Today I just wanna be me and honestly I wont try to make much sense coz I don’t know how to describe this feeling inside me…so I am just putting up some random thoughts which are running currently in my mind….
Ive been through a lot last year and I hope that this year brings me with something I could cherish…I wanna be me and stay happy….if you ask me honestly, what I want in my life….i will close my eyes and I will just see nothing….i don’t know…I certainly keep on saying this to everyone that I am going to do engineering and become an engineer and I will work 9 to 5 and earn a living….but that’s not what I want…I don’t know exactly what I want…I just want to do something which I am good at…I don’t even know what I am good at…
Some people are special and are gifted with either genius brain, artistic hand, glamorous body, sweet voice…and so many more…
Now when i stand in front of the mirror…I look at myself….i see nothing special in me….and just to cheer myself or to make myself happy, I end up making silly faces at the mirror…I try to laugh and prove myself that I am happy but I just cant stand the fact that I try and make myself special where as im so not special….my effort is a waste because I am not meant to be special that’s the reason god didn’t give me any special quality…I am just a regular person and I don’t like being ordinary…I just wanna make a difference to everyone….i wanna be someone, the world remembers as GOOD…
But anyway imnt special and I guess I should stop making myself feel that way…
I don’t know… I have like, most of the things I want but there is something still missing. I don’t know what it is but I guess its there inside…I wish that it just comes outta me and I realize what I want, coz its long long long time now for me to know what it is…
Honestly, I always told this to my friend and trust me he didn’t believe me, maybe coz he was ten years elder to me…but whatever the case was…I always had this dream or something like that…like even if I am sitting, my thoughts lead me to this picture… I don’t know…I see a river which has a wooden bridge, pretty old and nearly to break…the water in the river is all black maybe because the moon dosnet provide much light to the dark night….the wooden bridges railing is all wrapped with yellow LED’s and it’s a beautiful night….then all of a sudden I am standing on that bridge in something black which has a hood and my face is barely seen through my hair…I hear the clock strikes and waters noise only…I see two paths on each side of the bridge.
one path has a city linked with happiness as it looks…lights everywhere, all decorated atmosphere, fresh air, guys holding girls and taking care, kids singing happy songs, birds singing, colourful buildings, people generous to each other, some people stay in the house like forever and sad too…its like that whole place is filled with happiness and sadness both…but in the end before one dies its either happiness or sadness in his arms.
On the other side of the bridge I see no light…everyone in black clothes walking all alone…they don’t eat probably and just hide their face under their hood or by their hair or always bow and walk…its not about the looks or anything…its about…I guess…its like…they don’t need anyone and they are just living by themselves…they are not happy but they are not sad either…they are just some walking souls…walking all alone….they are all satisfied and they don’t even look at each other….its all silent there….
Suddenly I see the bride breaking down and I have to choose my way…I am standing all alone and I don’t know which way to go…im crying out for help but no one hears my voice…I am all messed up and I don’t know where to go, what to choose, what to be, what is right, what I see is true and so many other unanswered questions…
With a flash, I always get outta that picture or dream and I cannot actually see where I end up going…I know I go somewhere and save myself from drowning but I never see where…I always wanna know where I end up going maybe coz I don’t know what I want in this life of mine…so I guess I don’t end up seeing where I go…
Sitting in a corner whenever I think of something I want…trust me, i try so hard to think but all I end up is wid…”whatever I am doing…it is gonna lead me to the path where it has led zillions of other people” …I certainly have this feeling that it is defiantly not what I want…I guess I am just way too weird to have such thoughts and dreams….like on this planet why only me? I wonder…
I want to know what I am looking for…I want to know which way I am going to go and stay happy…I want to know if somebody is watching me out…I want to know if someone can accompany me or not…I want to know what is missing…I want to know the purpose of my living...i want to know what I have to do…I wanna know where to start from…I wanna know what is real…I wanna know why I get such dreams…I wanna know who is me…I wanna know what feels right and what dosnet…I wanna know everything…just everything.
I wish someone or something or whatever it is could just tell me what’s the truth and what I am here for…and stop haunting me with incomplete mind's eye.
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