I want to go back to country side

Last night I slept too well… I woke up with my lips swollen :p you know what that means..ya I was doing the same old thing I use to do when I was a kid… it gives me the best sleep. (kapda sunghna as my parents call it), well most of the taurians do that.
So I had the good conversation last night with one of my friends and he is great. He prayed for me to god so that I stop getting daily nightmares and he is always available when I need him and we spent good time together talking before I crashed on the bed.

So I woke up at 11 in the morning… I saw more than half of my bed was filled with books and I was wondering how I slept so well and my blanket seemed the best comforting thing to me ever. I woke up and changed my clothes to go outside to ride my bike so that I loose some weight. See I love food and a lot and I am not having non veg from past two weeks on a plan to quit it, but the whole idea of loosing weight is different for me. Many girls loose weight to have their boyfriend stay, many to flirt and many under parents pressure and many to prove that they are under stress and begging for attention. But I am loosing weight to fit into a saree. Its been so long since I have worn one. I can wear all clothes at whatever it takes in whatever shape I am but saree is one thing I want it to fit perfectly. I have a fantasy for wearing sarres. I love them.

So I go out and get my old red bike. I go out of my gate riding the bike, it was fun…its not the normal fake fun or hey hey its fun look I am ridding a bike, no it was like…hell yeah I am having to much fun coz hey you look I am back to my childhood. I went on the streets, of course it was almost afternoon and it was sunny…. I felt the sun pour the heat into my skin and I was like…”doesn’t this feel like those winter vacations when my parents and grandparents stay out in the afternoon to soak some heat and everyone is enjoying it.” Those childhood memories just seemed to be the ones I was living again. On my way I saw cute little girls playing with stones and building something’s and the little boys of course playing cricket. Nothing has changed since my childhood and what I see today is, boys still wear those patchy pants with I dunoo million of extra attached cloth pieces with I don’t know words written like “brave” “get me” “I am the best” and all…
With every house I passed on my way I could smell so many kinds of shampoo’s. it is like you know always on holidays people clean their hair to avoid hair loss and everyone’s house smelling like shampoos of n no of brands all over their houses. Some old aunties were sitting out drying their hair and watching their children and grandchildren playing on the street.

I could smell great jilabi’s and samosa as I passed couple of dhabba’s and I smiled at myself for feeling this aroma again. I saw lots of trees and plants and bushes too. I wondered while passing through them daily, I never noticed them at all. Yes they are the same plants I used to pluck and play in my “kitchen kitchen” game. Ah! Everything is the same. But people have changed and time is running faster than anything making it very hard for us to halt and think about the old times. The girls with all pink and white and all colourful clothes playing, birds chirping and too many bikes kept in a row. Everyone cleaning their houses, in fact my mom was preparing the house for the puja and my dad was cleaning our cars. Everyone was busy. It just felt like a Sunday when everyone is spending time with house and family and doing things together. It had been almost 10 years since I had felt this way with the moods in the atmosphere followed buy the smells and colours and smiles and joy and pressure and so many things that pull me into my childhood. It was just wonderful. The last thing I saw when I parked my cycle was an old car which had a pink bunny hanging on its mirror and a laughin Buddha is when I crashed to the p.c.

So the day was good so far but my friends are upset with me coz I don’t spend time with them and everything which brings me back to quit all the good feelings are get busy in this fast moving life without peace and happiness. I want to taste all the baked bread and chappati's and all chulha made cusines and watch all the kids playing and singing and that atmosphere of pure pleasure and comfort.

Daily Death Of Mahatma Gandhi...

LOL

My Warm Evening with Tommy in my ARMS!

I was passing by my house street with my friend and i saw this puppy alone...i played with him and later the kids playing there told me that his mom died and he is all by himself alsone...so i got him home and gave him bread to eat...i though he wanted water but he didnt drink. so i gave him a shower,just to clean him. but he caught cold and started crying and i felt so bad coz of my stupidity. then my mom and my friend with my brother helped me get him wipped and all wrapped up. later i made him go 2 sleep and he slept for a couple of hours.
I named him TOMMY! it just popped into my head.
later when he woke up he started crying again. and then i went to hold him....he ran towards me and jumped from the grills into my arms and rested peacefully. it was the best moment of my life. i loved watching him all wrapped up in my arms after my cruel acts of washing him.
i am sorry Tommy! i <3 you!
But mom doesnt like dogs so i had to leave him to the place i got him from...i just dont feel good anymore. i think it is best for him but still i want him so bad coz he is the only one who loves me and it shows when he is all in my arms...
i love you so much Tommy! I just do!
xoxo

Republic day!

Resolutions 2011!

I was that kinda person who writes online diary every night, hold teddy's every night coz i just cant go to sleep without holding something(so as you know my boyfriend doesnt like holding), i made resolutions every year and yes! i really was a believer of christmas and santa's in them and valentines and soul mates in them...but this year it turned out to be different and i have thrown away all my hell yeah i <3 to do things...So basically no resolutions...
The biggest change than all of the above would be: i have stopped social networking..Like hell-ooo??? thats so not me...never has been but its coz my boyfriend thinks it isnt cool....so...wow! i like doing things he does!
No i am not being a copy cat <---FYI



yesterday my boyfriend made me write a few lines as in resolutions for new years...well...hey!i wont cut myself!
lets see how long he stays and attached string to him stays! :)


Happy new year guys...i know i have posted so many things after New years but i was too busy reading my old blogs and stuffs at my end so couldnt wish you!
So hey! keep up your resolutions and make new ones everyday not just every year! :)
And yeah! Santa doesnt exist!

Cheers!

Things I am worried about...

This is since new years..I just cant get sleep whole night..

Dedicated to my boyfriend...the typical "Our Conversation"

<3 and sometimes get irritated too!

This is like me and my mom and i am sure its like you and your mom ;p

This is dedicated to all the boys who have difficulty in dealing with their girlfriends and yet wanna have girlfriends...

"WHY"

Life is short, is it? I wonder how. Since we meet so many people everyday and learn so many things and trust me its long and very long atleast for a human to find answers to his/her questions. I have my own. Lets see how many are answered.

Often in life when we grow up we love our grandparents and when you are old enough to know what they mean to you…they leave you. Why? Same is with parents

In the journey of life we meet new people everyday. Some get real close in very short time span but as time passes by, why are we so taken for granted? Where do all those concerns fade away? Where does the daily conversation evaporate and go away leaving you with doing nothing but missing them.

When we are happy and we make promises we intend to keep, how come with time they fade away? Why are they often broken? If you weren’t sure if the promises wont be kept then why are they made? Why making the people loose their way?

What is care?

Who are friends?

You have some people sent to you by god’s in that particular period of time when you need serious help. You treat them as best friend or angel. But why do they stay for a while and then get other commitments and enroll in their life forgetting you. They leave you behind.

Why is it difficult to understand the youth by the parents and why cant the youth do things right enough to make elders understand that everything Is under control?

Why is everything like sand? When you want to feel it, you hold it and it keeps slipping down you hand and in no time they are gone. Its not a complain but why can people just stay forever. Why can best friends always be there as they had been before all the time? What is so difficult in this?

Why when we want to die so bad that it becomes so difficult to even find one single reason to live hard and still we survive and when will want to live and wish to never let the moment pass us by, within a blink of your eyes its all gone.

You often fall in love with people who mesmerize your soul and like seasons they are gone. All the feelings are like capsules which come with expiry dates. Why cant people just love and love and care and be together forever? Why is it so difficult to work things out? Why waiting due to ego is never breaking the silence? Why conversation becomes so difficult to be conducted? Why every time spent together is forgotten?

When time passes, why do people change? When one cries the other one becomes heartless? Why do people kill? Why are we being judged? Why are we compared? Why are we distinguished? Why do all the expectations turn out to be the biggest fault? Why trusting people become a punishment? Why is everyone so cruel? Where is peace and love gone? Why is every simple thing turned into a complex thing. Why is everyone so heartless?

To every human, Quit smoking this year with nicorette!

This Year Quit SMOKING with Nicorette.
we breathe the same AIR!
Thank You!

Nicorette is a brand of chewing gum designed as a smoking cessation aid - it is not the name of this category of products. I would call the overall category 'smoking cessation aids' or 'nicotine based smoking cessation aids' or something like that. Commit is the lozenge form of this product. These products are made with 'nicotine polacrilex' which is a purified (extracted or synthesized - I'm not sure) form of nicotine which is easy to adsorb through the mouth. I don't know much about what is in 'the patch' (nicoderm), but my comments below apply to 'the patch' as well.

These products ('nicotine based smoking cessation aids') work because they give a smoker their 'fix' of nicotine while they stop smoking. However, there is a behavioral and psychoactive component to nicotine addiction. Thus, smokers are addicted to nicotine but also have years of performing the physical acts of smoking which become habit - the hand to mouth ritual, the coffee/newspaper ritual, the regular break with co-workers, etc. Thus, smokers have to kick their nicotine addiction AND re-arrange the associated behaviors. These products work by letting smokers deal with re-arranging those behaviors while giving them a convenient format to slowly wean off the nicotine habit.

The relative importance of the psychopharmacological/behavioral aspects of the smoking experience may have something to do with how successful use of these 'nicotine based cessation aids' will be for an individual smoker.

If a smoker becomes addicted to one of these 'nicotine based smoking cessation aids' the net effect would probably be greatly beneficial for the smoker anyway. Nicotine has some cardiovascular problems (and is toxic in high doses) - it's main is evilness lies in it's addictive properties. I'm not even sure if nicotine itself is carcinogenic - but PLENTY of other stuff in tobacco is. So - developing a habit with nicotine gums/lozenges isn't great, but I would wager that it certainly safer than smoking.

asphyxiated

Its been long since I have felt something different from my heart that I could write about. Besides exams and everything I had a busy schedule so not much out here.

Well today I really felt like writing. Its like all of a sudden. I turned on my t.v, don’t know after like how many ages and saw another movie. Well it brought out a lot of my memories and faults but well…I really think its…its kinda wrong on god’s part.

Like when people want to die, they should get all d serious diseases on this planet and all the tough times so that they commit suicide. But what is the fault for millions of those people who don’t want to die but are caught in a web where they just cant help but die.

I never thought that people want to live. I really don’t see any reason today I am living. I really am doing something I am so not into. I am with people who so are not from my league. I have a life which is almost boring and I have personally nobody to share things with. I know if you have read all my blogs by now you would know my metamorphoses from a small town girl to an undefined human. Nobody knows me and nobody knows whats possibly going in my head. I myself don’t know. So well yeah my best friends are fine and they are still with me but I think I have grown a little responsible and more of an introvert. Well I am planning to stick to that and most importantly I would work on not letting people know that I aint sharing. With a girl like me who speaks so much and straight forward its getting to hard these days. Its like I am standing in the pouring rain on a chilly night and telling myself that I can bear the pain until I go numb and I die.

Well so the movie, I saw this female lead saying words like “people who do want to live are forced by nature to die and people who don’t want to live commit suicide. I have been insane at this suicide thing when I got less marks in math and had a severe break up. I tried a lot of shits but honestlt it didn’t work and hell yea I am bloggin so it so proves.
What I always wanted was not to be and outstanding star or popular or a rock star or some brilliant or genius kid or even a princess. In reference to my green red frock’s blog, I think I kind of lived a part of it pretty well but again I landed up doing mistakes.well the last entire year I didn’t cut as per my resolutions but its like this temptation and I feel like doing it. My parents love me and so do my friends and family but that isn’t an enough reason I find to stay alive. I really don’t think it’s the thing for me. This place is so not for me. What is it interesting about…music, books, love, friends… I think I have had all of those good plus bad experiences before and really I don’t see a point I should be living for.

So what is the point I am looking forward that could make me live… I don’t want to be some rock star or a super good engineer. Woha inoway. I just want to be me and that me would be doing something I like which is honest and which is fun to do and for me comes a little easy than other things. I want to enjoy it and do it with great passion. I am 20 and yet am hunting for a reason to live. Isn’t that too much. Nobody understands that its not my work. I don’t have somebody I am looking for and neither my grades getting any better and nor I am interested in doing it. What reason am I left to survive for. The population is growing large and I am a burden. Its like I am lost in neverland. Its like a don’t know what I am doing but its defiantly not what I want to do. I don’t enjoy myself and I don’t even do good things to myself anymore. Once I was that girl who did things which she liked and trust me had no keep terms KT and no problem in life. Those days I used to smile, stay happy, got great friends to share things with, I love sharing ..you know that …all I can do is scream to the world and give it all away and stay appy in myself and now its like I am stuck with things all across my head and honestly I don’t see forty winks of any help or any such halo of hope that things will be okay. Everything around me is messed up. I took a bloody course that make me cry to bed daily planning how to tell my parents I cant do it if only they’d understand. I just don’t wanna do this anymore.i don’t want to see anyone any more and just hate this whole world around me, the atmosphere of great torture pulling me down in chains and locking me up in a cage and you know what I am crying out for help but there is no one to save me. In my head I see only bunch of orange and green lights with long dark stripes which just keeps on coming and going every now and then with the whole weird pattern revolving around my eyes. I need to LIVE okay. I want to live my life could somebody just take me in. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I am not killing myself anymore provided you let me have my way. Why nobody on this planet trusts me or puts me to sleep in when I cry every night? Why the whole world seems to be against me in this. Can I just fly please? Why have everyone clipped my wings and always make me realize the fact that I should be greatful to everyone that they haven’t cut them down. It feels like the least space I have to move or breathe. Its seems like the baby in a mom’s womb has got much more space to move that me. I suffocate, stutter, stumble and fall again and again in everything I do. Nothing ever falls into place and honestly I am sick of trying. No metal isn’t any help and nor anyone those dumb lame drinks or drugs because I think they can do no help. I had a remedy but hell yeah people think that’s lame and I am insane and It makes me looks ugly. Give me a reason bloody reason what could be uglier than the fact that I am nobody and I am looking for something I cant have. Lie, steal, beg, cry, dope, drink, runaway, bite, suicide…..what what what the hell on this planet could I do that save me from this world of perfection and forced living.

On top of all things I am going through damn people come and give me the shit that I should live because others who want to cant. Its nature’s mistake okay not mine.
I didn’t ask them to kill others who want to live. I just ask for those reasons that would make me want to live. And honestly friends and parents are not enough. They can buy you short time happiness.., only the work you do from your heart and success you get in it is the reason to live. The challenges and I right people. Apparently I have none of those. So hell yeah please take me away. I want to breathe and stop choking.

Would someone please buy me life?